General Description: Found most usually on the West Coast of the United States, the FCI is generally known for its unreasonable and often completely nonsurvival behavior patterns. The subspecies embraces all Homo sapiens racial and ethnic types. At the beginning of the 1980s it was considered a regional variation of the species, but as discussed at the end of this article it has spread far beyond its area of genesis.

Though it is genetically compatible with the normal run of Homo sapiens, certain factors having to do with environment and diet (as discussed later) will bring out the attributes that typify this common subspecies.

Unique to this subspecies is the division of Imbecilicus Californicae into six sexes: the normal male and female of the species, plus male-male, female-male, male-female and female-female. More detailed descriptions of each of these are included below. Here it is necessary only to note that the latter four sexes seem to have no bearing upon standard reproduction, but seem to be offshoots created by the same environmental factors which bring out the other distinguishing characteristics of the subspecies.

The FCI’s unusual attributes begin to appear in its early adolescence. Distinguishing characteristics include:

Body piercing: small or large metallic rings or other ornaments are passed through the skin in areas such as the nose, lips, tongue, navel, nipples, genitals, etc.

Hair dyed unnatural colors: usually beginning with a brassy yellow, and sometimes progressing to weird cyan, magenta and fluorescent green hues. In older specimens of this subspecies, naturally occurring gray hair or pattern baldness is usually masked by hair dye or hair implants. Naturally colored hair seems to be one of the chief cultural taboos of the group. Persons of African or Asian ancestry tend to go for blond hair. Genetic Caucasians generally start with blond hair and later go for one of the more extreme variations, such as bi- or tri-colored hair or wild, non-organic colors. Normal blondes, male and female, often bleach their hair almost white, and then due to deterioration of the hair itself go for shorter hairstyles and weird colors.

Tattoos: one of the first FCI markings to appear in the adolescent. As with primitive African, South American and pan-Pacific tribesmen, this seems to be a type of rite of passage. It is a painful procedure in which the skin is repeatedly pierced by needles so that dyes can be injected through the perforations, forming patterns or pictures ranging from the simple and crude to strange, elaborate and beautiful. All sexes display these markings.

Breast implants: In the female, the breasts are enlarged surgically by implanting various forms of synthetics. Size of the breast implant seems to have a strange correlation with personal image and self-esteem far beyond any actual correlation with the role of the breast as a secondary sexual characteristic. A corresponding fixation (bordering on obsession) on breasts in the male of the subspecies seems to have evolved since the development of the surgical techniques which made these enhancements possible, further reinforcing the necessity for young women to undergo this surgical procedure.

Hypertrophied, unnaturally large muscles in the male: overdeveloped tissues which are never actually utilized for any specific function. They seem to correspond in some way to the breast implants in the female, and carry nearly the same weight in personal image importance, though they are not nearly as universal. They seem to be mainly a display, like the fantail of a peacock, primarily evolved for the attraction of sexual partners, of whatever persuasion. (See also the outline of the six sexes below.)

Hair styles: One of the few common points with the larger American culture, hair styles seem to change on a cyclic basis, with various fads coming in or going out almost weekly. Examples range from the spiked and wildly colored fashions of the early 1980s to skinhead haircuts; brush cuts with shaven streaks at random; topknots; shaven sides of the head; pencil-thin ponytails and braids; hair worn over the face; long, braided hair; rat’s-nests and dreadlocks. Women’s hair styles tend to be less extreme, if no more aesthetically pleasing to the parent culture.

Certain of these characteristics seem to appear as a part of rite of passage, similar to that of adolescents in primitive areas, such as the tattoos and body-piercing. Others, such as the unnatural hair colors, may appear at any time up to late middle age.

Other notable characteristics:

Clothing: Changes in styles are even more frequent than with hair styles. However, certain common themes run throughout, and the FCI can be identified by any of these.

Gang-banger wannabee: characterized by oversized shirts, often emblazoned with the logos of either professional or college sports teams or the suppliers of sporting uniforms and equipment, such as Nike, Adidas, etc., along with their sales slogans. Wearing of this sports-obsessed apparel seems to have no correlation to any actual athletic ability, though some correspondence seems to exist with fixation on such sports as basketball and football. Other parts of this “look” include shorts which are generally knee-length and baggy enough to hold, in each leg, two or three of the person wearing them, and so-called “athletic” shoes which have air pumps integrated in them, for some unknown reason. Inseparable from this outfit for males is the billed cap, always worn with the visor to the rear, emblazoned with a logo of some sports-clothing manufacturer.

“Disco” female variety: This generally involves skirts which expose all but the genital area; lace or transparent pants, or pants which are tight enough to show the observer whether or not the pubic area has been shaved. Tops invariably display the full breast except for the nipples, and are a prime display device for the size of the woman’s breast implants. At the time of this writing, dangerously high “platform” shoes are common. It seems to be a mark of distinction to be wearing shoes that are uncomfortable and difficult to walk in.

“Disco” male variety: Generally more reserved; involves pleated trousers, sometimes shirts designed to display the hypertrophied chest and shoulder muscles. It is also common for the shirts in this style to show the logos of sporting-goods companies.

Tinfoil shirts: Now actually a passé fad, it is occasionally seen in the vicinity of nightclubs and other recreational areas.

“Beach” wear: Generally cut-off pants with or without sleeveless T-shirts. Beach wear is generally worn only where it is otherwise inappropriate, such as upscale restaurants or the casinos of Las Vegas.

Sunglasses: Generally of the cheapest variety, though more affluent members of this subspecies wear name brands. Sunglasses are worn either not at all or day and night, regardless of ambient light conditions. Alternatively, they are worn perched on top of the hair and never used to protect the eyes.

Habitat: The FCI seems to prefer crowded conditions in urban areas subject to natural disasters such as earthquakes, mudslides, wildfires and flooding.

They seem to thrive in toxic water and atmospheric conditions, such as those found in southern California’s Greater Los Angeles, San Fernando Valley and Orange County, as well as the poison-laden air of discos, nightclubs and bars. (However, if asked, an FCI will tell you that inhaling smoke of tobacco is unhealthy for you and attempt to force, by government edict if necessary, everyone else to extinguish otherwise legal smoking materials. Illegal materials, such as Cannabis sativa, hashish and “crack” cocaine apparently are exempt from this treatment, as well as the poisonous emissions of internal combustion engines and industrial chemical-manufacturing processes.)

Some strange phenomena have been observed in the nesting behavior of the FCI. Firstly, if sufficiently affluent, only the most hazardous possible land is purchased for the home. Status of some kind seems to depend upon the degree of danger involved in the nesting site. Homes are commonly built perched on stilts on clay hillsides, where they invariably slide off during the seasonal rains. Other favored areas are the bottoms of washes, where the mud from the hillsides above covers the homes; straddling major earthquake faults; and brush-covered hillsides, which invariably burn off in the late summer dry seasons. Homes perched just above the high-tide mark are also favored, and these nests, of course, wash away at the time of the periodic tsunamis caused by local earthquakes, or are blown down during the frequent tropical storms.

Less affluent FCIs, of course, cannot afford these choice locations. Instead, they create danger in other ways, such as nesting in hives of thousands of families in overpopulated areas. These areas are subject to frequent riots caused by racial tensions, or sometimes erupting spontaneously at the time of common occurrences such as highly publicized trials, holidays or football games.

The FCI seems unable to survive for more than two days in any environment where the land is not at least three-quarters paved over. (See the section below regarding method of locomotion.)

Diet and other requirements: these may be the major stimuli which cause the attributes of the Effing California Idiot to manifest. Beginning in early childhood, about the time they are weaned from the “bottle” (breast-fed children of FCIs do not exist, due to the almost universal female trait of surgically enlarged breasts, which are unsuitable for breast-feeding), the diet seems to consist exclusively of convenience foods. The child starts out life with foods manufactured by companies such as “Hostess,” “Sara Lee,” etc., of chalk dust and preservatives. Fluids are restricted to such items as “diet Pepsi,” “diet Coke” and sugarless Kool-Aid, manufactured specifically to have no nutritional value. They are made from by-products of the petroleum and pharmaceuticals industries such as saccharine and coal-tar dyes, preservatives and artificial flavorings, and contain minimal if any actual food.

Even in those few families which eat actual meals, vegetables are purchased that have been grown in such a way as to have no flavor or nutrition, and then have been canned, frozen or pre-cooked so as to remove any value that may have accidentally been left in them. Proteins consist of such processed meat items as hot dogs, beef jerky, and bologna or other sandwich fillers, and occasionally nuts which have been roasted in fats and then heavily salted. Carbohydrates consist of such salted and oily items as potato chips, Doritos and cheese-puffs, and canned glop with the brand name “Boy-Ar-Dee.”

Obviously, with such a diet, children are deprived of anything with which to fuel their bodies, so they are carefully indoctrinated at an early age in the use of pharmaceuticals (such as Ritalin, Valium, and various opiates) and illegal drugs, especially Cannabis sativa, cocaine and amphetamines.

Since children raised with such poor nutrition are obviously not able to be physically active, normally their only activities in their early years are watching television and playing different types of video and computer games. Contact with their actual parents is minimal, as they spend their days in establishments known as “day-care centers” and their evening waking hours in front of the television or computer, and early on they lose the normal ability to communicate face-to-face due to exclusive use of telephone and computer methods of communication.

Later, as the children reach late childhood and early adolescence, their diet begins to include meals from such fast-food chains as KFC, Blimpy’s, MacDonald’s, Little Caesar’s and Taco Bell, which contain some proteins and sugar, if not much else. This raises their activity level to the point where they can at least go outside their homes and sometimes engage in such sports as street basketball, grand theft auto and gang warfare.

Education and training: Early education and training is left completely to indoctrination by television, computer and video game. Parents in this subspecies are expressly forbidden by peer pressure and prevented by their own ignorance from instructing their children in any way on any subject. Particularly forbidden is training in any social graces, such as good manners or consideration for other people.

Once the child begins school, peer education begins. The schools, of course merely function as a site for peer-group education in the ways of the world, such as drug use, theft, vandalism and brutality. Some areas carry other curricula, such as Elementary Use of Weapons or various second languages such as Chinese Invective, Mexican Obscenity or Ebonics (otherwise known as MF).

Subjects that might equip the child to make a living on its own are completely ignored and in some cases forbidden, such as reading, arithmetic, English grammar, etc.

Approved subjects for advanced students include Basketball, Snowboarding, Basketball, the Art of Graffiti, Basketball, Advanced Shoplifting, Basketball, Prevarication, Basketball, Driving as if Under the Influence, Basketball, Proper Display of the Body, Basketball, Body Building, Basketball, Rollerblading, and, of course, Basketball. For those too bulky for basketball, there is football, and for those too short but still fast on their feet, soccer. Wealthier members of this subspecies learn tennis or a form of handball known as “racquetball.” Those with no athletic ability or inclination still, of course, have video games, and the wealthier children learn Internet Pornography at an early age.

Method of locomotion: Early in his or her adolescence, the FCI is introduced to his (or her) first automobile. From this point until the end of his life, he remains in a close symbiotic relationship with his means of transportation. The FCI can actually go into severe clinical depression when deprived of its companion machine. One of the major characteristics of the FCI is that it cannot travel more than approximately 100 meters without its automobile; occasional variations on this are the bicycle (usually seen with those specimens who display overdeveloped, otherwise useless musculature) and the motorcycle. Another distinguishing characteristic of the subspecies is the extreme variations sometimes shown in the symbiotic partner. Typical displays in this area include:

Low-rider: a variation on the standard vehicle which restricts its movement to smooth pavement. Often the low-rider automobile cannot be maneuvered over a beer bottle or speed bump without damaging its undercarriage. Unlike other FCI means of locomotion, this type can travel only at speeds which obstruct other traffic on the roads, causing dangerous slowdowns and traffic pileups, infuriating both normal drivers and other FCI symbiotic pairs, sometimes even triggering the phenomenon known as “road rage” in others.

Another characteristic of the low-rider vehicle is that it is generally equipped with stereo speakers somewhat more powerful than its engine, so that the mating call of its riders (“MF, MF, MF,” repeated endlessly with minimal variation in its percussive background) can be broadcast effectively in the noisy urban environment.

Macho 4X4: a four-wheel drive pickup or sport utility vehicle with extremely enhanced suspension, raising its floorboards as much as five feet above ground level. Often this vehicle is also equipped with an oversized engine, extremely loud exhaust system and giant, deep-tread tires, which of course are never allowed to get dirty or worn from actual off-road travel. Its distinguishing mark is that a ladder must be used to mount to either the driver or passenger seat, and that a fall from the open door can prove fatal even if the vehicle is stopped at the time. The extended suspension system seems to have no useful function (like the hypertrophied muscles of its typical driver), as the actual clearance of the axles and transfer case is no higher than that of a standard 4WD vehicle. Like other FCI symbionts, the “macho 4X4” is unable to stop for standard yellow traffic signals, and often is piloted through red signals at increased speed, several seconds after normal traffic stops.

Modified standard vehicle: often the FCI’s tastes run in other areas than extreme enhancements of its means of travel. Still, the subspecies will often show less extreme markings on its vehicles. Into this category fall the forms of typical decals, wild paint jobs, etc. Such markings as the otherwise incoherent “Oakley Thermonuclear Protection” and “Bad Boy Club,” windows tinted nearly opaque, accessory halogen headlights designed to blind other drivers, neon lights around license plates or running boards, etc., are indicators of the Effing California Idiot.

Driving characteristics: The FCI is distinguished mainly by its total lack of regard or respect for either the laws of the road or any other driver on the street. The first indication that one is sharing the road with an FCI is that the vehicle in question races by at approximately Mach 2, only to stop with a scream of tires and brakes and shouted imprecations when the car it is overtaking actually stops at a red light. In areas where FCIs are common, such as shopping-mall districts and around bars and nightclubs, beaches or other recreational areas, it is advisable to wait a few seconds after traffic signals change: One of the distinguishing characteristics of the FCI is that a yellow light is perceived as a signal to accelerate wildly and a red light means that you should stop only if other traffic is already crossing the intersection.

Stop signs: the behavior of the FCI is the source of the policemen’s slang term “California stop,” meaning that the vehicle slows down slightly for the stop sign but at no time actually stops rolling.

Speed limits: The FCI is capable of traveling at no less than 15 mph over whatever limit is posted on the street, or 20 mph faster than other traffic on the street, whichever is greater. The exception to this rule, of course, is the low-rider subgroup; the low-rider is capable of moving no faster than 15 mph less than all other traffic on the street, and during rush hour traffic, 20 mph slower.

Other characteristics of driving: The FCI is constitutionally unable to use a turn signal, except for the purpose of confusing other drivers. Lane changes for turns are done only at the last possible second, unless another driver is in a position where the FCI’s movement will cause the other driver to lock up his brakes to avoid collision.

Displaying a turn signal to an FCI when changing lanes on the street or highway will provoke an immediately move to block your lane change.

U-turns are commonly made on busy streets, and it is normal for the FCI to wait through a clear period for another driver to approach, so that the FCI’s turn will cause a collision or panic-stop, especially if this will tie up a busy street completely for an hour or more.

An unusual variation in driving habits occurs with young female FCIs: Being obsessively preoccupied with personal appearance, the young women develop the ability to seem to control a moving vehicle while simultaneously applying or repairing cosmetics, including complete facial makeup, contact lenses, artificial eyelashes or mascara, and doing a complete new hairstyle. As this ability to control the vehicle is only simulated, of course, unique situations sometimes arise. The driver will sit through a green light with all other traffic blaring horns and screaming imprecations, and then accelerate wildly as soon as the light turns yellow, because the inability to be stopped at a yellow light takes precedence over all other mandates. More commonly, the young woman driver will simply weave unpredictably from lane to lane on a busy street.

Many drivers of this subspecies seem to develop a strange growth on one side of the head, a small box with an antenna protruding from the side, to which they alternately speak and seem to listen at all times while driving. Needless to say, this tends to distract the drivers even more from normal driving procedures, such as watching for traffic lights and other drivers, and watching where they are going.

Sexual characteristics: The subspecies Imbecilicus Californicae is endowed, unlike the parent species, with six distinct sexes. Only the first two are actually needed for procreation. The others seem to be evolving as a result of population pressures and other aberrational factors, such as diet, early training by television, peer-group training and use of drugs.

Male: the standard male of the species. An FCI male seems compelled to display high levels of testosterone-related behavior, such as driving recklessly at high speeds, extreme muscular development, and demonstrational behavior such as shouting obscenities at those with whom he is upset, especially when the object of his wrath is not an authority figure or when the male is beyond the physical reach of authority.

The male of this subspecies seems able to bond sexually as easily with the male-male and female-male (as described below) as with normal females. Even when paired with females of the subspecies, the male, as often as not, has as his sexual object of choice the wrong hole, either oral or anal. Males often will attempt to bond sexually with several females as well as other male types simultaneously, thus generating considerable confusion.

The major characteristic which separates the FCI male from the rest of the species is the inability to think with his brains--using, instead, his testicles. This produces very few geniuses.

Female: The female is little different from that of the parent species, except that, again, she is as ready to bond with another female or a member of the fifth or sixth sex, male-female or female-female. This is generally understandable, considering the abilities and tendencies of the males.

The FCI female almost always has blonde hair, whether or not born with it, sometimes in great contrast with her genetic heritage, as in those of African or Asian descent. There seems to be some kind of status involved with the color yellow for head hair, far beyond any aesthetic consideration, as the majority of FCI women, of whatever heritage, seem to desire blonde hair.

At some time beginning in late adolescence, the FCI female generally has two or three rings, faux jewels or other ornaments inserted in her skin at various places, and at least one tattoo imprinted on her shoulder, leg, ankle or posterior. Once she has obtained her full physical growth, she will have her breasts surgically enlarged. Sometimes other modifications are done as well, such as nose-bobbing or changes in the shape of the lips or other body parts.

By this time her early diet and the various things she has had done to her body begin to take their toll, and her mental faculties begin to deteriorate. She becomes obsessed with her physical appearance and that of her friends, and her whole world begins to revolve around clothing, cosmetics and various other “enhancements” of her body. As she grows older, she will take up body sculpting, a form of physical culture which purports to be able to selectively build tissues for the “perfect” body. Later on, in early to late middle age, she will begin having such treatments as liposuction, face-lifts, tummy-tucks and breast-tucks to conceal from herself and others the fact of her own mortality and aging.

Male-male: The third of the six FCI sexes is a strange variation on the male of the species. He is generally as fixated on his appearance as the female of the species, and gets involved with body-building and physical culture to an obsessive degree. He ignores women, as a rule, either because he is narcissistically in love with himself or because he is only interested in other male-male relationships, or sometimes with the more normal males.

He spends a majority of his time in a “health club” or gymnasium building muscles that are never actually used for anything but display. His diet varies from that of most other FCIs, in that he will eat actual food, but it is generally “enhanced” by the addition of various steroid drugs and protein supplements, so that he can build ever-bigger muscles.

His sexual interests, if any, are either masturbatory or with “wrong-hole Charlies” (see below). Though he is physically able to procreate, his interest in women is generally only in whether they appreciate his massive muscle development. He has no interest whatever in raising children, so makes a poor father. If he fathers children, it is usually a purely business relationship with a male-female.

Female-male: The fourth of the FCI sexes seems to be a woman who is wearing a male body, and of course since he has the wrong equipment, his orientation is more than a little aberrated.

These people have been common on the West Coast for several decades, but because of harsh discrimination by the parent culture, remained mostly hidden. They were labeled as “queers,” “faggots,” “fairies,” “wrong-hole Charlies” and other pejorative terms, and relegated to certain undesirable districts in a few cities, especially San Francisco.

The female-male has no interest in women at all beyond purely platonic friendships. Some cannot stand the company of women at all. He easily falls in love with males, male-males or other female-males. His appearance can be anything from distinctly feminine to normal male. He generally does not become involved with body building, as he makes no testosterone-prompted displays.

His orientation is toward receptive sex. His specialties are oral and anal sex, on the receiving end. He can, however, often be found in pair bonds with other female-males, and in these relationships activity is generally both ways.

He can be a very loving person, and actually can be a good mother to children as long as one understands that his own orientation will end up influencing the children he helps raise. He is generally a bit more sensible in many ways than either the males or male-males, as his mental development has not been inhibited by either real or simulated overabundance of testosterone. In other words, he thinks with his brain, rather than his testicles, as happens with both the male of this subspecies and its male-male variation.

Male-female: Probably the least common of the six sexes, at least in overt manifestation. This is a male personality wearing a female body, and as such is very confused. First off, this person has the mental characteristics and orientation of a normal male, but is lacking the physical capability—both sexual equipment and hormonal balance—to manifest it in real life. Her/his orientation is toward loving relationships with women as the dominant partner, but her body screams out for the activity of bearing and nurturing children.

Like the female-male, this unusual orientation has been common for many years in the area. They also gathered their share of pejorative terms, such as “bull-dyke,” “lesbo,” “female wrestler” and others, and were generally relegated to the same slum areas as the misoriented males, and for the same reason: a fear in the general society that this was some form of contagious disease.

Regardless, this person is probably one of the most able of all FCIs in real-life situations. She seems to have the aggressiveness required to do well in life situations, without any display of the overbearing testosterone-related orientation of the male and male-male of the subspecies. Physically she may appear as anything from a quite masculine-appearing, thus unattractive, member of the female sex, to quite feminine. These women tend toward physical fitness and away from flab or excess flesh, all other things being equal.

She can make a very good mother for female children, though as a mother she can be somewhat too dominant to raise healthy male children. And she is not handicapped, as a rule, by the obsessive preoccupation displayed by the female FCI on her physical appearance.

Her sexual preferences tending toward other women creates an unusual situation for procreation. One solution that has been observed is for the male-female to persuade, either by financial or other means, a good physical specimen of the male or male-male of the species to impregnate her and then leave her alone. The woman then will raise the child either on her own or in cooperation with her female companion.

The male-female makes a good business person or supervisor, though somewhat predisposed toward harassment of males who happen to be her subordinates.

Female-female: As in the male-male above, the female-female seems an exaggeration of all of the attributes of the more normal females, with the exception of the fact that she feels no attraction whatever toward any male of the species, and in extreme cases will have absolutely nothing to do with them. She is obsessed with physical appearance, cosmetics, hair styles, etc., to an almost schizophrenic degree. However, if she can manage to put up with a male for long enough to get herself impregnated, or become artificially impregnated, she can make a good mother for female children. In other life situations, due to a lack of personal aggressiveness, she is generally relegated to subordinate positions. She will, of course, only bond with females.

Speculations on the origins of the non-reproducing sexes of the subspecies Imbecilicus Californicae: It has been conjectured that the four new sexes that have appeared in this West Coast subspecies have appeared because of the decline in mentational ability associated with the original two sexes. It has been noted that the “normal” male of the species is lacking in mental ability due to his habit of thinking with his gonads. This can be compared to the drone of the honeybee, that has no normal function within the community of the hive other than reproduction, or the male black widow spider, that is eaten by the female shortly after copulation.

Thus, a “normal” male, having no function or very much in the way of mental or physical ability, may in future generations devolve into something on the order of a completely hypertrophied set of testicles, with little left in the way of a brain at all, and only enough physical structure to support copulation.

Similarly, the female of the subspecies, due to her habits of modifying her physical structure and her complete mental preoccupation with her secondary sexual characteristics, physical appearance and attractiveness to others, may in future devolve into something on the order of some of the species of Lepidoptera, which produce pheromones that attract the opposite sex from miles away, but have only enough physical structure to reproduce.

This leaves the male-female and female-male of Imbecilicus as the sole means of support for the group, similar to worker ants, worker bees and termites. The male-male, with its preoccupation with otherwise nonfunctional muscle, may be a side development similar to the “soldier” variety of many termites, having no function within the nest other than repelling intruders.

This is, of course, speculation. However, some of the other developments within this group, such as the apparent ability of the group to simultaneously come up with strange fashions, look and “think” alike, migrate on weekends to the same areas, and travel on a daily basis in very similar fashion to ants (i.e., daily commutes to work, beaches, entertainment, etc., in endless lines, as ants in their foraging develop) points to the possible development of a “hive entity” mind.

Status of the species: In the early years, whenever members of this subspecies ventured out of its West Coast districts of origin, they were considered fair game for hunting by the residents of the rural counties and other states. To some extent, despite official discouragement of the practice, trophy hunting was practiced, despite the inedible quality of the flesh caused by the toxic nature of the environment. Officially frowned upon because of the close relationship to the parent species, hunting and trophy taking soon became socially unacceptable even in the most backward areas of the country, though some areas still refuse to allow members of the subspecies to settle in their areas.

Later on, due to the lemming-like tendency of Imbecilicus Californicae to congregate in areas of extreme natural hazards such as earthquakes, seasonal flooding and wildfires, at first it was thought that this subspecies should be protected in order to preserve the natural biological diversity of the parent species. Accordingly, economic and other opportunities were provided over the course of the last two decades in order to entice large numbers of the group to migrate away from their areas of genesis and concentration in southern and central California.

Away from their original area, the subspecies seems to maintain its character profile well. It may be too soon to tell, but records of cross-breeding with local populations show that the characteristics tend to the dominant side. Areas which have accepted large numbers of FCIs tend to slowly but distinctly change their character in the direction of Southern California insanity. A case in point is Las Vegas, only a couple hundred miles from the planet’s largest concentration of FCI population: Las Vegas’ character, as a city, is now little different from that of many of the numerous large suburbs of Greater Los Angeles.

Many of the characteristics of the FCI have shown up as general tendencies in the Las Vegas population: inability to stop for yellow or red traffic signals, common lack of consideration for other people, inability to follow normal common-sense procedures such as looking for traffic before crossing the street, a whole generation of teenagers who wear their hats backwards, and not least, an incredible number of street basketball games during all seasons of the year.

Some of the more reactionary figures in the Las Vegas area have proposed sending the FCI population back where it came from and letting them drown, burn or get buried when the next major disaster hits Southern California. However, we all know that “send them back where they came from” is an unlikely and nearly impossible solution. The influx of FCIs into Las Vegas has in fact enriched its culture (how, I’m not sure, but it is certainly different).

The only solution to this “problem,” of course, is to embrace the situation, and not try to put the cat bag in the bag, or close Pandora’s box. Perhaps, in a few more generations, the Effing California Idiot may actually become a useful and contributing member of society.

Copyright © 1998, 2002 by Jim Goding. All rights reserved. Duplication in any form, electronic or otherwise, without the express written permission of the author is forbidden, is a violation of the proprietary rights of the author and is actionable under law. This article may be purchased for a nominal fee by clicking on the following link.

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